Love yourself well is the beginning of lifelong romance.
you are by my side, but you are still out of reach
recently, I received a private message from a reader, and I was very impressed.
the reason for trusting me privately is not the changes in marriage and family. On the contrary, the relationship between her and her husband has always been very calm.
they rarely quarrel, and they never have problems of domestic violence, gambling and so on.
but for so many years, she has always felt lonely.
for example, husbands can't remember big or small festivals and don't make romantic dates.
but if you have a request, he will do it.
for example, in life, if she does not speak, then they can remain silent for many days.
chat entirely on Wechat:
"go shopping and come back", "work overtime at night and don't go back to dinner", "remember to take a look at the parent group news".
most of the time, the husband seems to have done what he was supposed to do.
however, she can feel the sense of indifference and distance.
at first, she advised herself whether they had been together for too long.
however, after so many years, this kind of apathy is really desperate.
so she began to take great pains to get her husband to prove that "you love me."
but when her husband really asked her, "what's wrong with me?" she couldn't say why.
A burst of anger, like a fist on the cotton.
after several times, she could only doubt herself:
is it true that I was wrong?
am I too emotional, demanding too much, and asking too much of him?
in fact, marriages like this are not uncommon, even the way many couples live.
say you don't like it, or you wouldn't have been together for so many years.
say love, it doesn't seem to love so much, he seems to have a small world of his own, and most of the time he would rather be alone than accompany you.
is clearly on the side, but the heart seems to be across the Milky way. Your pain and joy have nothing to do with him.
some people will say, isn't this cold violence?
but in my opinion, this unconscious "emotional indifference" is actually more hidden and hurtful than deliberate cold violence.
I can't ask for it and I can't let it go.
not only makes people unable to firmly divorce, but also feels pain and suffering all the time.
is likely to evolve into
one side of the relationship is still unconscious, and the other's feelings have long been exhausted.
the source of contradictions in marriage,
is the lack of emotional supply of men
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have seen a mediation video before.
there is a couple who have been as insipid as water for several years.
suddenly one day, the wife insisted on divorce because she couldn't stand her husband's indifference.
her husband showed great helplessness when he heard this:
"what is the reason for this?"
in his own account, he went to work diligently and watched the children do their homework after work.
but no matter what he does, his wife always seems to be not satisfied enough and never seems to meet her requirements and standards.
"when she first got married, she always quarreled with me, thinking that I didn't love her and didn't care about her."
"but I've already taken on the responsibility of a husband. I don't understand what she's not satisfied with."
indeed, at first glance, the husband strives to make money and takes care of his children at home, a man that many women want but can't get.
but in fact, for many women who suffer in marriage, what they really care about is:
have your needs been taken seriously by your partner?
when your heart is painful and fragile, can your partner be considerate and aware that you can respond or appease yourself?
but unfortunately, most men are straight.
the difference in the physiological structure of the brain, coupled with the mainstream value environment, men are taught from an early age to go forward and solve problems directly.
this determines that it is very difficult for them to understand the stickiness and greasiness of women's hearts, and they always feel that everything will be all right once things are solved.
under this habit, it is naturally impossible to give your partner long-term emotional value.
just like the husband before.
he knows that he should stabilize his family and maintain his relationship, so he tries to play a good husband and try to respond appropriately.
but for the wife's inner feelings, the perception is very rough, let alone make a sincere response.
even, in reality, many men will rise to:
"so annoying", "Why so many things"I've done it all, what else do you want?"
however, for women, it is desperate to meet a partner who does not provide emotional nourishment:
"although we are a model couple in the eyes of the people around us, I don't feel nourished by the love he gives me."
"you will suspect that his heart doesn't love you enough, and even if he apologizes first every time he gets angry, I feel discouraged."
"over time, you will become very emotional, anxious, and inferiority will all come to you, and no one knows how painful you are."
for the same problem, the information gap between the two sides leads to a growing misunderstanding until one side completely collapses.
material determines the lower limit of marital happiness,
emotional value determines the upper limit of marital happiness
looking at this, some people may say:
not all people used to come through this way. Why is there nothing wrong with their marriage?
now that the conditions are better and there is no shortage of food and clothing, there are more problems.
in the past, in the family structure of men and women, men not only bear the economic pressure alone, but also control the voice of the family.
Women either voluntarily or passively choose to suppress their needs.
but with the increasing demands of women in modern society, they not only have to earn money to support their families, but also to take care of them.
they need more and more love and support, and naturally, they are more eager for emotional value.
A blogger shared his daily life with her husband online and won tens of thousands of likes:
I complained to him about the company's unhappiness.
: come and tell me what's going on. I'll scold him with you.
the food is too salty.
: salty, salty,
the food is light.
: where is it light? I think it's just right.
I told him what I had seen and heard all day.
he immediately put down his phone, looked me in the eye and listened to me, sharing his views from time to time.
sometimes he tells me that he is upset, and I will put down what is in my hand and listen to him carefully.
sometimes I give him some advice. When I can't give him some advice, I hug him, kiss him and cook him some delicious food.
is really enviable!
someone on the Internet has summed up that marriage has five major values: ornamental value, reproductive value, economic value, nurturing value and emotional value.
as women become more and more independent today, like men, they have more opportunities to pursue and realize their self-worth and social value.
at the same time, women have higher expectations of intimacy than their predecessors, and their emotional values gradually surpass other values.
the mode of getting along with Chen Jianbin, a celebrity couple, and his wife Jiang Qinqin has caused numerous heated discussions.
Chen Jianbin, a husband who unfortunately brings together all the shortcomings of traditional men:
and lazy, Jiang Qinqin was too pregnant to clean up his lodgings. He said that he would clean up for a while and quickly lay down on the bed to have a rest.
he fooled again, saying that he was helping to wash the dishes, but he really only washed the dishes, and the table was not wiped and there was water all over the floor. When asked in a hurry, he said, "didn't you ask me to do the dishes?"
but as the details of their relationship were dug up later, netizens envied Jiang Qinqin one after another.
No matter what reason Jiang Qinqin is angry with, Chen Jianbin will check and correct himself, and then seize the opportunity to ease the atmosphere.
although he is not good at physical contact, he cooperates with his wife's hugs and hands every time. He can recite poems and songs, create romance, and make his wife happy.
what is even more amazing is what Chen Jianbin said in the interview:
"Women are lovely creatures. They are in great need of love, but they don't tell you the answer directly."
but as a husband, you can't stop observing your wife's emotions just because she doesn't tell you the answer.
you have to see her, love her, and thank her. "
it is often said that a good lover can withstand half the sufferings of the world.
what is a good lover?
I think the marriage between Chen Jianbin and Jiang Qinqin undoubtedly provides us with the best case and model.
in this world, there is no perfect marriage and no perfect partner, all comfortable and long-term marriages must provide each other with enough emotional value.
even if you can only see it, you can give each other a short hug and make them feel that they are being loved.
this is enough.
how to find a balance?
both men and women actually expect their partners to be sympathetic and considerate.
this not only affects the happiness of a relationship, but also determines how far two people can go.
it's just that the samples and nature at this stage make it easier for men to ignore the emotional supply to their partners.
as a woman, if you are also experiencing being ignored by your partner, I suggest you do two things:
try to communicate with your partner
not to mention the gender difference makes:
he may know that you are unhappy, but he does not know why you are unhappy;
even if I know why you are unhappy, I don't know how to make you happy.
so, why don't you just tell him what you need, just say "I'm not happy" if you're unhappy, say "I want a gift" if you want a gift, and tell him very clearly that "I'm waiting for your news" if he doesn't reply for a long time.
the most important thing in the way of husband and wife is to communicate effectively. Never reason from your own point of view.
otherwise you may be so angry that you can't wait for them to figure it out.
learn to comfort yourself
most of the time, because of their emotional limitations, men look confused even when they are pointed out by their wives that they don't pay enough attention to each other.
"I know you are in trouble, so I have an idea for you.But why are you still unhappy? "
in essence, they work hard, but they are limited by habits and are not given the hugs and comforts you expect.
for this situation, it is useless for you to twist the bar again. It would be better to find an emotional outlet and go out for a shampoo and massage.
relax, make yourself feel better, and you don't like your husband so much.
of course, if you are male and find yourself in the same situation as above, here are two suggestions for you:
listen carefully and respond positively
in the understanding of many people, providing emotional value to wives is nothing more than supporting them when they are sad.
but there is actually an advanced version of the operation, which is to respond positively when they are in a good mood.
it is said that the desire to share is the highest form of romance, and if you can respond to everything, they will also feel more intimate and trusting.
express gratitude for daily trifles
emotions must be flowing, so that links can be generated and feelings can be meaningful.
the best way is:
often express gratitude to the other half, grateful for their love and giving.
can be a kiss, a bouquet of flowers, or a "I love you" and "thank you".
A good wife is never compared, not quarrelled, but spoiled and boasted.
of course, we also have to face a reality.
it is certainly good that men have full sincerity to want to solve the problem and take the initiative to seek a solution.
not everyone is so lucky.
just like you can't wake up someone who pretends to sleep, or "you don't have to read what you want to understand, and you don't care if you don't want to understand", you feel like "there's nothing wrong with you".
in the end, I have only one suggestion:
learn to love yourself more.
your partner is just a good supplement to your emotional value, but he can't completely determine your emotional direction and life value.
truly high emotional value comes from your self-awareness.
the more you love yourself, the more happiness and achievement you can experience, and the less external needs and contradictions you will have.
always remember: love yourself well is the beginning of lifelong romance.
, may you have the capital to be independent and the strength to be loved.
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