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in life, there are too many people who always like to reason with others and talk about the pros and cons, hoping that the other person will understand and repent piously, but things often go against their wishes.

in the final analysis, no external force can cause a person to change unless he actively wants to change.

people teach, but they can't teach, and only when they teach, can they teach.

it takes half a lifetime to understand that adults only screen, not educate.

you suffer because you always want to change others

there is a "projection effect" in psychology, which refers to

people tend to think that other people's thoughts and habits should be consistent with their own, and if they are different, they want to transform others.

but people's values and cognition are formed over time, and it is not easy to change themselves, let alone change others.

if you cling to one idea and try to transform others, you are undoubtedly asking for trouble.

recently, my friend complained to me.

he, who works as the head of a real estate company, recruited a new student Xiao Zhang at the beginning of the year.

originally he wanted to find someone with experience, but he saw Xiao Zhang graduate from a famous school and did a good job at school. He thought he could bring it with him in less than half a year.

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but ended up slapping in the face.

friends hope that Xiao Zhang will improve his business ability as soon as possible and learn more and accumulate more at ordinary times, so he is advised to rent his house near the company so that the commuting time saved can be used.

when a friend listens to this, he is unhappy, but he can understand that he is really short of money after all.

later, when a friend found that Xiao Zhang always did some typing and copying chores, he reminded him to study more excellent cases in the industry so as to facilitate his study.

the other party replied without thinking: "I just started the job, and I don't have much work experience, so it's never too late to do this later."

later, his friend took him to meet the client and told him to collect customer information in advance.

but when it came time to start, he didn't get it done, and he said plausibly: "I didn't find it on the Internet. Why don't you just ask the customer face-to-face later?"

A friend wants to cultivate Xiao Zhang with confidence, but he always turns a deaf ear to advice and sticks to his own opinions.

half a year has passed, Xiao Zhang's ability has not made any progress, but his friends are in great pain and fall into a deep sense of frustration.

it is written in "worth it in the World":

"never try to change a person. You will not only fail to get the results you want, but also put yourself in pain."

We often correct the people around us with the idea of "for your own good", which is not only futile, but also plunges ourselves into disappointment and pain.

I agree with a sentence: let's just give our own light, and don't force others to light the lamp.

if you are bent on going your own way, if you want to portray the other person as you like, life will only be in conflict.

the most painful thing in the world is to change others by force.

changing yourself is a god, changing others is a psychopath

Lin Yutang and his wife Liao Cuifeng have been together for more than 50 years, and they envy others.

but in fact, there are many differences in their living habits:

Liao Cuifeng does things in good order, but Lin Yutang does not like bondage and is free and easy.

Liao Cuifeng always dresses up before going out, but Lin Yutang is tired of red tape.

when eating, Liao Cuifeng always eats Chou Cheng's chicken breasts and drumsticks, while Lin Yutang specializes in eating wings and necks.

for a time, Lin Yutang was obsessed with inventing a Chinese typewriter.

once when he was on a business trip abroad, he traded all the trays for a printer model.

Liao Cuifeng was very angry when she heard this, thinking that he was too capricious, disregarding family responsibilities and spending money at will.

but Lin Yutang disagreed, still went his own way, and said proudly, "I will write articles, and the money spent will be earned back."

after decades, Lin Yutang has published a number of best-selling books and earned a lot of money.

he restarted his typewriter dream and made a "bright typewriter" that could type 50 words a minute, but spent all his savings and was heavily in debt.

Liao Cuifeng finally understands that it is too difficult to change Lin Yutang, so it is better to change yourself, accept the reality, and move on.

after that, she no longer mentioned the matter, nor did she interfere in Lin Yutang's life.

in this way, the two people are lenient, support each other, and go through the whole life hand in hand.

in life, we always meet people who think differently and have different ideas:

it may be a family member with bad habits, a friend with different views, or a work partner with a completely different personality and style.

it seems easy to change others, but it's actually very difficult; changing yourself seems painful, but it's actually easier.

as writer Huang Tong said:

"if you try to change others, you might as well try to adjust your mindset first.

when we change, our thinking, logic and habits will change, and the way we get along with others will be completely different.

change often happens when we least expect it. "

Adults only screen, not educate

Su Shi and Xie Jingwen were once good friends, and they often talked about ancient and modern times, reciting poems and composing poems.

once, they went for a walk in the suburbs together, and they talked to each other very happily.

then a shadow fell from the tree, interrupted the conversation between the two, and looked forward to see that it was a wounded little lark.

Su Shi found that the bird had a leg injury and wanted to hold it up for its treatment.

but Xie Jingwen trampled the bird to death with a look of disdain. "Why should my brother waste his energy for a bird that will spoil our fun?"

Su Shi had mixed feelings, said nothing, and completely lost his interest in outing.

while Xie Jingwen continued to talk eloquently, in high spirits, completely forgetting what had just happened.

after this time, Su Shi no longer intersected with Xie Jingwen.

when a friend was puzzled, Su Shi replied, "A person who belittles his life and bullies the weak is bound to benefit himself at the expense of others in the future."

in life, we will inevitably meet people with different values and different magnetic fields.

instead of making painstaking changes, set up your own set of screening rules.

not all people live in the same sea.

someone once asked Bill Gates, "how did you train these excellent people?"

Bill Gates replied:

"We do not cultivate, people are created by the environment and experience of the past, so only Tiancheng can only be screened.

what we can do is to screen the right people from the crowd, not to educate the unsuitable ones. "

everyone's development time zone and test are different, and they have different views on things.

is like-minded; it is normal that the three values are different.

you strive for excellence in your work, but others are perfunctory;

you like to make friends, but others scoff at you;

you want quality first to create a good reputation, but partners think that profit comes first and production costs should be reduced.

We should learn to restrain our desire to transform others and not to extend our hands too long in other people's lives.

Adults only screen, do not educate, and only choose not to change.

▽

psychologist Jung once said:

"you don't want to try to change others. All you can do is emit your light and your heat like the sun."

I think apples are delicious for a lot of reasons, and bananas are reasonable for you.

it doesn't matter, we don't have to convince each other, don't disturb each other, and be independent.

changing others is a kind of internal friction, while changing yourself is a kind of growth.

, for the rest of your life, may you let go of your obsession with changing others and achieve self-fulfillment, but do good deeds and not pass others.